This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i barfeds in our rink
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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