How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
