I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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