i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My ass is underappreciated
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
