just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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