its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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