My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
