I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
