The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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