They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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