you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you had me at cake vodka
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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