Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
