um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
