omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
