just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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