Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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