I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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