My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
