the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
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i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
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I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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