i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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