I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
