If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
