How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
