Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
