you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
