Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
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Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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