I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
