Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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