Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
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my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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