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For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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