Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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