im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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