No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
