dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just cropdusted the office
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
