Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
