Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
