guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
