My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
