She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
