I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
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