Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
