He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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