Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
