Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
