Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
