is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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