I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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