He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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