I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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