I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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