Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
