I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Is it penis luge time yet?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
