I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
