so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
