I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
