you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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